...along with Mark's promise:
I had to pause at the last commercial as I burst into tears. I had to prepare myself for Cas' death.
I screamed. I cried. I cried some more. Full-on, Meredith Grey wailing. And it wouldn't stop. I cried my heart out for an hour after Season 12 ended for me. I'm surprised I didn't cry myself to sleep. But I was exhausted. Physically and emotionally.
I haven't cried that hard since Season 5.
I've been avoiding spoilers since Jim Beaver's surprise appearance in 7.18 - the greatest cover-up in Supernatural history!
But now, I wanna know everything. Every detail of Castiel's return. Because he will be back. And I'm not talking AU!Cas who doesn't know Dean. NO. That's not Cas. Lucifer Jr. needs to bring Cas back in the first minute of Season 13. I honestly don't think I'll accept anything less than the Cas I've grown to know and love. And I do love him. So much it hurts.
I needed a hug for Misha. To have him hold me and tell me it would be okay. Jus In Bello did just that. I didn't even know there was a convention until this popped up on my feed in the morning:
The videos came streaming in not long after. The J2M panel was just what I needed: a good laugh with the men I love. They broke my heart, they're the only ones who can put it back together. And MY GOD did they ever.
First, Jared spilled the beans:
Full Panel
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
~*~
“Life surprises me every day. And something makes me sad every day, something make some happy every day and I try to just focus to the latter and that which make some happy inspires me. Days like this, frankly, it’s ya’ll guys. I’ll meet people with a smile or with a handshake or something and I just go like, ‘How fucking cool.’ If not for this weird tv show, I’d never met any of you guys, nor this guy [Jensen], nor the rest of the guys and gals back in the green room.
It’s like a really cool blessing and sometimes you get so caught up in your job and your responsibilities that you don’t look at it for it’s face value and go like, I remember being a 13 year old kid in middle school like, dreaming about being on Home Improvement or something. ‘I could be one of those guys.’ ‘I could do that.’ ‘I love acting.’ Like, ‘I wanna tell those stories.’ ‘I wanna be JTT on the folders of all the little girls.’ And like, ‘I have dimples, too.’
So it’s neat that every now and again I get so caught up in like: ‘I’m jet lagged.’ ‘I’m tired.’ ‘I hope I don’t disappoint anybody today.’ ‘Oh, I don’t know my lines for today.’ ‘Oh god, I gotta do a scene…have to do a fight scene but my back is sprained’ - but I forget what a cool blessing it is. So I just try to remind myself every day I can find something new to fight for and be appreciative for is exciting night now.” - Jared
I've always enjoyed Jared's perspective on fandom, and I often share his views from this side of it. There are so many things I never would've done if not for Supernatural. This show changed my life in so many ways and none of it would be possible without these guys, and to know they feel the same way...
~*~
“There’s also a lot of inspiration in our lives with: we have beautiful wives, we have amazing children, we have great friends, awesome family, awesome extended family, and there’s a lot you can really be inspired by.
You know, when it comes to the day to day work of it, getting up in the morning early to make your set call even though you were there all night last night and you’re tired and you might be sick. And you know he [Jared] and I have been doing this for a pretty long time, as most of you know.
And you know, at this point the network and the studio kinda look at us and are like, ‘You know we’re gonna keep going, if you wanna keep going’ kind of a thing. So it’s almost gotten to a point where we don’t have to do this. And I wake up in the morning and I feel like I don’t wanna do this or if I feel tired or I feel sick, I think myself: ‘You know what, I don’t have to do this. I get to do this.’ And that’s, I think, a sentiment that he and I both share. We’re very fortunate and we’re very humbled by daily inspiration that we get, so that’s where it comes from.”
- Jensen
Then Jensen got drunk and flirty and showed Misha his underwear:
And then he got real...
Full Panel
"When ...This is kinda what got me, was...so signing autographs, and some of you guys were probably a part of the situation. I don't know if you remember when Misha walked up with her and said, ‘Hey, she’s one of the councilors that is part of what we set up.’ I hadn’t actually…that hadn’t been personified to me yet. And so I spoke to her for a brief second and it was something like fifty hours.
Fifty hours she’s spent on the phone. And she walked away and...that hit me. That was fifty hours - hitting me now, shit - that something that was spawned out of this [fandom] and out of this [collaboration with Misha] could help people to that degree to where there was a verified person to counsel somebody or people for that amount of time and she was one of them. And I know that there’s many more of them. And it hit me hard.
And I get to look at you - I get to see you guys and I know that you all have a story and I wish I could hear and talk to every one of you at length. I don’t have that opportunity but knowing that something that I was a part of helped create that…that betters people and inspires people to be a better person. Because - and Jared shared this with me - he’s like: ‘No one can help you but yourself. You’re the only person that can help yourself, but if you get inspired by something - if something touches you and inspires you and makes you believe something that the helps you help yourself; then that’s important.’ And she’s doing important things and the fact that I was a small molecule of a being that helped many people...
I don’t know. It hit me really, really hard. And I had to take a...I had to take breather. I had to take a knee. And so I went upstairs to Daniella’s room - she was like, ‘ You need to come upstairs,' and I’m like ‘Yeah, I think I do.’
I remember walking up to her room...I didn’t make it. So I held out for maybe like 70 more autographs, Then we were walking and was like, ‘Nope, nope, you’re not gonna make it to the elevator.’ And I just sat there ,and Jared just, like, grabbed me and hugged me... It was just like, one of those moments where it's like... This shouldn’t exists. Like, from a point of view that is like, television show, actor/fan relationship; like, this probably shouldn’t exist. It exists, guys. We feel you. And you mean a shit ton to us. You really do.”
Jensen really opened up this weekend. And I think I fell in love with him. Jared has been advocating mental health for a while now with Jensen supporting him the entire time, but he never really talked about it. Jared had to cancel a convention to send time with his family when the response from Always Keep Fighting was too overwhelming. Jensen never seemed to be as affected. Hearing him talk about this moment and seeing how deeply it affected him is so beautiful.
I've never been attracted to Jared. I mean, I can appreciate his fine body and good looks - he's 6'4" and ripped - but that's as far as it goes, and even then, just in passing. I respect him as a person, value his opinion and admire his perspective. For years, I've struggled with depression and anxiety. Supernatural, among other fandoms, was my escape. And I worked through all my issues on my own with the boys as a backdrop in my life. A constant, reassuring presence, always keeping me going. So when Jared brought up Always Keep Fighting
