shattered

I'm not re-watching the episodes and pics will be even more upsetting, so I'm just gonna touch on the bullet points because this is driving me crazy and I'm finally sober enough to let it all out.

6.21=PERFECT! =)
I never once lost faith in Cas...I knew he had nothing to do with Crowley's plan and knew that Dean wouldn't believe him. My ability to guess my way through episodes isn't completely gone; I could just picture Sam wanting to call Cas and Dean refusing and the show did not disappoint. It was great. Sam calling him anyway...I just knew Cas was there because he would never stop helping them. When Dean was attacked, I  knew Cas would be there...and that heart-to-heart afterward; they are soo in love and I was soo hoping that maybe, just maybe they'd get back together...it even looked good towards the end when Cas saved Lisa's life (although I will admit a slight shock of 'don't take her soul, Cas PLEASE!' before he revealed his true intention)...and the mind swipe. Beautiful. Perfect even...and Dean comparing his brief appearance in their lives as a car crash - dead on.

*I didn't get to fully enjoy the end because I spilled milk all over my bed just as we came back from commercial and spent the next 10mins freaking out, tearing my bed apart and catching what I could of the end of Lisa and Ben!

~*~

6.22=almost perfect... (as in, just when I thought I wasn't going to need that big bottle of vodka and five days I took off work, everything falls apart and I'm drunk for a day and a half)

Gotta admit, it was nice to see two new episodes in a row...but I really coulda used that week in between to hold onto Dean/Cas just a little longer...

Everything was perfect up to the last 2minutes. I still believed in Cas. Dean's T-rex comment was gold. The Impala could be fixed. Sam was whole again, and walking around...then Cas went nuke and everything changed.

I cried for 10mins straight.

Talked a few things out with friends as I majorly overreacted to the situation, I know. 
1: "that was my dean/cas heart breaking into a million pieces and possibly destroying my love for cas forever...i need vodka ='("
2: "...aaaaaaaaaannnnd VODKA ='(" 
3: "Everything was fine, going my way then BAM! he's not an angel, he's a power hungry ex-angel-turned-GOD and they're gonna have to kill him. I don't even think I care if they do at this point, the angel I loved is dead anyway... ='("
4: "...he's just not the angel I (and Dean) fell in love with.='("
5: "He might as well have (died)...I'm sure I'll feel differently in a few week (or months) but now...I kinda wish he did. "
6: "...wish I could drink myself into oblivion until September or at least just sleep the summer away. =/ BUT I gotta work for another $645 and lose at least 40lbs before VanCon! Still - alcoholism would be faster =P"

I cried an hour after the show...then an hour after than, then I drank for about three hours, then literally cried for an hour straight because obviously drinking doesn't really help as much as I'd thought.

It was aweful, it took all of my energy to stop crying and exhausted myself just enough to fall asleep. I woke up thinking about it and managed not to cry. I even left my room and made pancakes...but my brother was watching Anaconda and they talked about the native peoples' gods and I went back downstairs and started back in on the vodka again...secretly cuz it was only like, 330. I tried to wait 'til 5, but...CAAASSSSS ='/

I couldn't even see Pirates again since I took the day off...

Sooo....I'd go from Supernatural to Pirates in a vicious circle of pain and (forced) pleasure. I even went so far as to use my new Jack Sparrow blanket for comfort.

Pretty sure I cried a few times during the next few hours...possibly about 4 or 5 times over the following 12hrs.

Afterthoughts:
Even drunk, some things started to come to me as I cooled down...

The irony of not crying over spilled milk comes to mind...literally. (seriously hope there's actually something to that, I mean, COME ON!)

Dean has loved Cas all along and for Cas to act like he doesn't know that...something's wrong there.

Cas isn't Cas...and because Dean loves him (always has, always will -Jack, Pirates 4♥), he will stop at nothing to save him...once he realizes that this is not his angel; not even close, and gets his head outta his ass long enough to think straight. (took me about a day and half...we get to wait 4mnths for Dean's reaction! =/)

...I've come to find it odd that I love Jack Sparrow being in love with Angelica, but I'd prefer Lisa dead to with Dean. Then, while watching 6.21, I had a brief epiphany: Jack has an angel, too; ANGELica. Probly has something to do with it; and the fact that they're perfect for each other (just like another couple I know... ;)

OH and when that demon said Ben was Dean's kid...FREAKED THE FUCK OUT BTW...after the shock had passed, and that little tid-bit was taken back and Lisa was called a slut, again, Pirates intereferred with my Supernatural night, lol.

"I am with child. It's yours" ...interesting plotline?
"I don't recall that we've actually ever..."
"You were drunk"
"I've never been that drunk"

...again, why is it soo different for Jack than it is for Dean!? So to me, a pirate having a child would be better than a hunter! Both have jobs equally too dangerous for raising children, but apparently being a pirate is just that much safer for it to be ok by me. WTH!?

...actually, come to think of it, it definitely has something to do with my respect for Johnny and the obsessed love it came from. My thing for Jack ended about the same time and I may just have the same level of respect for him as I do Johnny. It's an old obsession and I've come to terms with a lot of it to the point where its not so un-healthy.

Pirates has somehow morphed into the healthiest part of my life.

...and that transformation might just be what Supernatural needs and why (in the bigger picture kinda way) Pirates 4 premiered and Supernatural s.6 ended (the way it did) on the same night; to give me something else to think about and reflect on and maybe change my outlook on the whole ordeal.

Being sober kinda sucks right now, waaayy too much coming into focus...

ANYWAY!
tracy_loo_who managed to post. I knew she wouldn't be 'spamming these last few episodes, but something made me look and that made everything better!

They cannot even talk about family more than they did without shoving it down each others throats with their tongues.

Then there was Misha's "As God, I feel partly responsible for all the loss of life. My car was struck by a meteor, so this is how I am getting around now:"

Misha being God is ok, understandable even since he's already our lord and master. Plus, he's beautiful.♥

After all this, I started coming up with my own theories, and perfecting a few I'd somehow managed to come up with just before the first round of drinking began...

Inspired by tracy_loo_who:
Ya know how Dean said Cas is "full of nuke"? Well, it's bound to go off sometime and perhaps the blast will be enough to make him fall. I figured that out drunk and wrote it down. Funny enough, it's one of my clearer memories form last night.

My first thought after the anger subsided:
Cas ins't Cas. The look, the voice, it's all wrong -Misha is amazingly talented!...may even be giving Johnny a run for his money as my fave actor ;) I never thought souls from Purgatory was the way to go; the souls of monsters...not the best plan (and since it was originally Crowley's plan, no wonder). Cas has obviously been possessed by whatever managed to fill him and he's either trapped inside himself or in Purgatory for all we know! But this thing is not Cas!

In my drunken, angry state, I wouldn't call this creature 'Cas' cuz he's not! So i named my own monster; Pheatg (or P.H.E.A.T.G as in "power-hungry-ex-angel-turned god" - pronounced "Figi")

This thing could destroy the world and ruin Cas' relationship with Dean forever (although the latter is highly unlikely ;)

A while back, I perfected the art of dialing down my emotions until there's nothing left but being numb. That little trick helped me through a lot and the only thing that could puncture the veil was Supernatural.

Having lived without feeling for years, it's kinda hard to get it back - I fell around the time Cas did - but that was nothing compared to the struggle of getting numb again. Thankfully I now have booze to help it along, but the feelings come crashing back the morning after.

I may not be able to feel nothing anymore, but the ability to block shit out, that functions as well as ever. As I was coming down from my drunken high, I knew I couldn't live this way forever and should probably stop before things get outta hand. But I needed to protect myself from the unimaginable pain to come with full sobriety so...the last 2mins of 6.22 never happened.

Instead, Cas came to his senses, released the souls and lost his grace all at once but not before zapping himself and Dean to the nearest motel room before he lost all his powers. There, they make up and renew their relationship with hours upon hours of amazing sex and the last of Cas' grace is released inside Dean.

...idk how this became mpreg, but that's the only place I can see this going.♥

*maybe they're love-child is the real "new God", with human sense and angelic powers; a true mixture of Dean and Cas...and the perfect solution to all our problems! =)